Your brain is the centre of your thoughts, emotions, memories and perceptions — and it also coordinates a complex network of nerves, hormones and neurotransmitters involved in sexual desire and arousal. When you become sexually stimulated, your brain sends signals throughout your body that trigger a cascade of physiological responses. Your brain is constantly taking in information about how you feel, what you’re thinking about, your environment, your relationship and even how safe and relaxed you feel, and all of this can influence whether your body moves towards sexual arousal or away from it.
This helps explain why getting in the mood can be difficult when your brain is overloaded. A never-ending to-do list, stress at work, exhaustion, parenting, relationship tension or simply feeling disconnected from your body can all hit the brakes on sexual desire. You can be physically attracted to your partner and still find it difficult to want sex when your mind is somewhere else.
Meet the real boss of your sex life
At any given moment, your brain is quietly deciding whether this feels like a good time for intimacy. It takes in everything happening around you—the environment, your relationship, your stress levels, how safe you feel, how well you've slept, whether you've had an argument and so on. Only after your brain gives the green light does your body begin preparing for sex. This is why the exact same touch can feel completely different on two different days. On holiday, with nowhere to be and your phone switched off? Great. Fifteen minutes after putting the kids to bed while mentally writing tomorrow's grocery list? Not so much. Your body hasn't suddenly stopped liking your partner. Your brain is simply too busy, or too tired, to entertain the thought of sex.
Your brain can literally give you an orgasm while you sleep
Have you ever had a wet dream? Yes, women can have them too. During REM sleep, the stage associated with vivid dreaming, the autonomic nervous system becomes highly active and blood flow to the genitals can increase. Research measuring women's physiological responses during sleep has documented changes including increased vaginal blood flow during REM, similar to some of the physical changes that occur during waking arousal. And occasionally, the brain takes things all the way to orgasm. Researchers have even documented women reaching orgasm through imagery alone while awake, with physiological changes resembling orgasms produced through physical stimulation. In other words, the brain doesn't necessarily need someone physically touching the genitals to activate the systems involved in sexual pleasure. This is a pretty spectacular demonstration of how much sexual response happens above the waist. Thoughts, dreams, memories, fantasies and emotional context can trigger very real changes throughout the body. It also helps explain the opposite phenomenon. If your brain can create arousal without touch, it can also make arousal harder despite touch. Stress, anxiety, distraction or feeling uncomfortable can put the brakes on the same system. Your genitals aren't operating independently down there. They're in constant conversation with your brain.
The Brakes & The Accelerators
Sex researcher and educator Emily Nagoski describes our sexual response system using a brilliantly simple metaphor: the accelerator and the brakes. Think of your sexual brain like a car. Your sexual accelerator responds to things that signal “Ooh, this could be pleasurable.” It notices sexual cues, attraction, touch, fantasy, anticipation and anything else your brain associates with sexual excitement. Your sexual brakes, on the other hand, respond to things that signal “Hang on, is this safe? Is this a good time?” They pay attention to potential threats, distractions, stress and anything that might make sex feel uncomfortable, unsafe or unappealing. What's important to understand, is that both systems are working at the same time, at all times. You might have plenty of things pressing the accelerator — you’re attracted to your partner, you’re kissing, you’re being touched in a way you enjoy — but if your brakes are slammed down because you’re stressed, exhausted, worried about the kids walking in or feeling disconnected from your partner, getting aroused can be incredibly difficult.
Sometimes the issue isn’t that you need to push the accelerator harder. You need to take your foot off the brake. Your brain is designed to constantly assess your environment. If it detects stress, threat, discomfort or distraction, it can prioritise those things over sexual pleasure. Your body isn’t necessarily saying “I don't want sex.” It might simply be saying “There are more important things to deal with right now.” So ask yourself, “What's pressing my brakes right now?” And “What could help me feel safe, present, relaxed and turned on?”
Your mind and body don't always agree
We've all experienced it. Mentally, you're ready to rumble. The desire is there, but your body isn't responding. Researchers have a surprisingly unsexy name for this: arousal non-concordance. But don't let the fancy terminology scare you. It simply means your mental arousal and your physical arousal don't always happen at the same time. Sometimes your mind gets there first. Other times your body responds automatically through increased blood flow and lubrication, yet mentally you're not interested at all. Dr Meredith Chivers, one of the world's leading researchers in female sexuality, has spent decades studying this phenomenon. Her work consistently shows that, for women, physical arousal and subjective arousal often have only a modest relationship. Basically, feeling turned on and getting wet are two completely different things.
Stress is the ultimate mood killer
If your brain is your biggest sex organ, stress is its biggest interrupter. When you're stressed, your nervous system shifts into what's commonly known as fight or flight mode. Cortisol rises, your muscles tense and your brain becomes laser-focused on solving problems. From an evolutionary perspective, it's incredibly clever. Your brain doesn't know the difference between escaping a predator and surviving another chaotic workday. In both situations, pleasure takes a back seat while survival takes the wheel. In other words, your body isn't broken. Your libido hasn't disappeared. It's just been temporarily paused until the 'threat' (the stress) has passed. That's why implementing strategies to manage stress is so important, and it's a big part of why we created Lust – a natural libido supplement designed to support arousal and help protect against the inevitable stress of every day life. It's one small daily habit that pays off big time in the long run.
Context is everything
One of the biggest shifts in women's sexual health research has been recognising that desire doesn't happen in a vacuum. It happens in context. Psychiatrist Dr Rosemary Basson fundamentally changed the way clinicians understand female sexuality by showing that, for many women, desire doesn't always come first. Instead, it often develops after feelings of closeness, relaxation or physical touch have already begun. This is known as responsive desire, and it's one of the reasons so many women say, "I wasn't in the mood at first, but once we slowed down, I really enjoyed it." That's because your brain is constantly asking one question: "Is this a good time to enjoy this?" Context might just be the most underrated aphrodisiac there is. Set the scene and the mood, and desire will follow naturally.
Help your brain help your body
The good news is you don't need to eliminate stress completely. You just need to give your nervous system opportunities to slow down. Research from clinical psychologist Dr Lori Brotto has shown that mindfulness-based practices can improve sexual desire and arousal by helping people become more aware of their body's signals and less caught up in distraction. That doesn't mean you need to meditate on a mountain. It simply means creating small moments where your brain isn't solving problems. Go for a walk after work. Take a yoga class. Take a warm shower before intimacy. Sometimes your body just needs a little help to shift out of "fight or flight" and into the calmer rest and digest state where arousal is far more likely to develop. Massage with Juicy or Yum is a powerful way for partners to connect, wind down and access deeper states of relaxation. And if your body still takes a little longer to lubricate? That's okay too. Reach for a good quality water-based lube like Glide if a little extra moisture is desired. It’s a small thing to have on hand to take the pressure off and ensure everyone has a good time.
