Low libido is not always a problem that needs fixing. It is a window into everything else that is running in the background. Sure, sometimes there is a biological reason for a change in desire, like hormonal changes, menopause, medications, pain, illness, exhaustion and so on. But more often than not it’s contextual. Perhaps your desire has tanked because of a conflict in your relationship. Or you’ve just become a mother and navigating so much change has decommissioned your libido. Maybe you’re just not having sex that’s worth having, so you don’t desire it. The truth is libido is impacted by a myriad of things and it is only when we start to view low libido as a symptom rather than a problem, that we can actually do something about it.
Cultivating desire in long term relationships
Esther Perel’s work explores how the context surrounding desire can change in long-term relationships. The things that make a relationship feel secure — familiarity, predictability and closeness — are not always the same things that fuel erotic desire. Desire can also benefit from novelty, curiosity, freedom and being able to see your partner as a separate person rather than simply another part of everyday life.
Emily Nagoski’s work adds another important piece: desire is highly dependent on context. Stress, relationship tension, feeling touched-out, exhaustion, body image, pain, hormones, medication, privacy and whether you actually expect sex to feel good can all influence whether your brain is interested in sex at that moment. This is why libido isn’t a fixed amount of horniness that you either have or don’t have. And it’s also why one of the biggest misunderstandings about sex is believing that desire should always come first.
Spontaneous vs responsive desire
Most of us have been taught one version of sexual desire: you suddenly feel horny, you want sex and then you initiate it. That is spontaneous desire. It seems to appear out of nowhere. You think about sex, see your partner or experience something sexual and your brain goes, Yep. Let’s do that. Think of it like a microwave. It heats up quickly. Spontaneous desire is completely normal, and it tends to be especially noticeable during the early stages of relationships when novelty and excitement are high. It’s also the kind of desire we see constantly in films and TV, which is probably why so many of us assume this is how a healthy sex drive is supposed to work. But it isn’t the only way desire works.
The other common pattern is responsive desire. Responsive desire usually starts at neutral. You aren’t walking around thinking about sex, but you aren’t necessarily against intimacy either. The conditions feel right: you’re relaxed, you have some privacy and you feel connected to your partner. Then something pleasurable happens. You start kissing. Your partner starts touching you in a way that feels good. Your body starts becoming aroused and so too does your desire for sex. Instead of desire leading to pleasure, pleasure leads to desire. Think of responsive desire like a slow cooker. It needs the right ingredients and some time to warm up.
For people who experience mostly responsive desire, waiting around until they spontaneously feel horny can mean waiting a very long time. That doesn’t necessarily mean their libido has disappeared or that they’re no longer attracted to their partner. Their brain may simply need the right context and something enjoyable to respond to. This is particularly important for long-term couples to understand. One partner might experience spontaneous desire and regularly think about sex throughout the day. The other may almost never think about sex until intimacy has already started. If neither understands the difference, one person can feel rejected while the other starts wondering whether something is wrong with them.
Comparison truly is the thief of joy. You won’t get anywhere comparing sex drives. Understanding how each person’s desire works does. And responsive desire does not mean forcing yourself to start having sex and hoping you eventually get into it. There is a clear difference between “I don’t want this” and “I’m not turned on right now, but I’d be open to some affection and seeing how I feel.” Consent, comfort and the freedom to stop remain essential at any given moment.
Have a heart to heart
It’s essential to sit down and have a heart to heart with your partner about these two desire types and identify which best fits each of you. More often than not, partners have a sexual desire mismatch because the way they each experience desire is so different. Understanding how your partner experiences desire, and helping to create the right environment, context and space for desire to arise, may be all that’s needed to work toward a more satisfying sexual relationship.
Quality matters more than quantity
A healthy sex life isn’t defined by how many times a week you do it. A much better measure of sexual wellbeing is whether you’re having sex that is actually worth having — sex that feels wanted, pleasurable, mutual and good for both people. So instead of asking who has the “normal” sex drive, start asking: What makes sex easier to want for each of us? To answer that, you need to understand the dual control model: your sexual brakes and accelerators.
Your Brakes and Accelerator
Developed by researchers John Bancroft and Erick Janssen and later popularised by Emily Nagoski, the model explains sexual response using two simple systems: an accelerator and brakes. Your accelerator notices things that make sex feel appealing. Your brakes notice things that make sex feel like a bad idea. Your level of desire at any given moment depends on what both systems are doing.
The accelerator responds to things your brain connects with attraction, pleasure and sexual interest. That might be flirting, kissing, feeling desired, privacy, novelty, fantasy, affectionate touch, emotional connection or simply seeing your partner in a way that reminds you that they are, in fact, hot. Everyone’s accelerator is different. For one person, feeling emotionally close to their partner might make desire easier. Someone else might respond more strongly to novelty, flirting or feeling intensely desired. Some people need a calm environment. Others need excitement. There is no universal formula. The important part is understanding what works for you.
But when it comes to low libido, the accelerator is often only half the story. The brakes can be even more important, especially for women. Your brakes respond to anything that makes your brain feel that sex is uncomfortable, unsafe, stressful, badly timed or simply not worth the effort right now.
One of the biggest brakes in long-term relationships is pressure. If you know every kiss, cuddle or massage is probably going to turn into an attempt to have sex, even normal affection can start to feel loaded. That matters because pressure and desire do not tend to work particularly well together. This is how couples can accidentally create a cycle that makes mismatched sex drives worse. This is why simply telling a lower-libido partner to “make more effort” often achieves the exact opposite of what you want. If the brakes are already on, pressing harder on the accelerator does not fix the problem.
Creating space for intimacy
Esther Perel’s work on desire often focuses on the tension between closeness and eroticism. Relationships need security, trust and familiarity. But desire can also benefit from some separation, novelty and curiosity. When you have been together for years, it can become very easy to start seeing your partner as your co-parent and housemate. Perel has found that people often feel especially attracted to their partner when they see them being confident, social, passionate, creative or completely absorbed in something they enjoy. None of this means you need constant excitement or elaborate date nights to maintain a sex life. It simply means that long-term desire usually needs more intentional presence and quality time than at the beginning of the relationship.
Pressure Is One of the Biggest Libido Killers
One of the quickest ways to make desire disappear is to make sex feel like an expectation. This often happens in long-term relationships when one partner wants sex more often than the other. The higher-desire partner may initiate more because they miss sex, affection or connection. The lower-desire partner starts to feel watched, guilty or responsible for fixing the gap. Over time, even innocent affection can start to feel loaded. A cuddle is no longer just a cuddle. A massage feels like it is probably leading somewhere. A kiss can create the immediate thought: Are they going to want sex now? That anticipation can become a sexual brake in itself. The more pressure someone feels, the harder it can be to want to be intimate. They may start avoiding touch altogether because saying no repeatedly feels uncomfortable. The other partner then feels more rejected, initiates more often, and the cycle gets worse. The answer is not to stop wanting sex or stop talking about it. It is to create more room for non sexual physical touch and affection that has no expectation attached to it. That matters particularly for people with responsive desire. Desire may not be there at the beginning, but it can grow when there is affection, pleasure, connection and enough freedom to choose what happens next.
Prioritise pleasure as a whole
Sexual pleasure does not exist in a vacuum. Dr Nagoski’s work repeatedly comes back to the importance of context and pleasure more broadly. If your whole life consists of work, stress, chores, parenting and collapsing into bed, it is not especially surprising if your body is not constantly overflowing with erotic energy. Do more things that make you feel good in your body. Exercise. Dance like nobody’s watching. Spend more time outside in nature. Make something. Listen to music. Spend time alone. Wear clothes that make you feel good. Rest. Laugh. Just have fun. Do things that remind you that your body is capable of experiencing pleasure outside sex. It is that a life with more pleasure, energy and connection generally creates a better context for sexual pleasure too.
Prioritise your health and your self
Poor sleep, chronic stress, exhaustion, a poor diet, lack of exercise/movement, certain medications, hormone imbalance, pain and health conditions can all affect sexual desire. Perimenopause and menopause can also change desire, arousal, lubrication and comfort. Sometimes addressing dryness, pain or other physical symptoms can make a huge difference because sex once again becomes comfortable and enjoyable. For some women, additional support for vaginal dryness, hormonal changes or sexual wellbeing may also be useful. Products such as Bawdee’s Flow and Lust can provide extra support in the form of stress protection, reproductive function, hormone support, energy and overall vitality.
Key Takeaways
Low libido is not automatically something that needs fixing. Desire is shaped by context, stress, health, relationship dynamics, past experiences and whether sex actually feels good and worth having. In long-term relationships, the goal is to understand what presses each person’s brakes, what turns them on and what helps intimacy feel safe, pleasurable and pressure-free. Prioritising communication, non-sexual affection, novelty, pleasure, rest and overall health can all create better conditions for desire. Most importantly, quality matters more than quantity — a healthy sex life is not about how often you have sex, but whether the sex you are having feels nourishing, deeply connected and genuinely worth having.
